53 Chuck Norris Facts and Jokes

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I saw this picture above of searching Google for Chuck Norris and just thought it was very funny and wanted to share it with you. And since I wanted to do that, I thought I would also share some good Chuck Norris Facts and Jokes with you as well.

1. Fear of spiders is aracnaphobia, fear of tight spaces is chlaustraphobia, fear of Chuck Norris is called Logic
2. Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room. The bear isn’t dead it is just afriad to move.
3. Ghosts sit around the campfire and tell Chuck Norris stories.
4. Chuck Norris doesn’t call the wrong number. You answer the wrong phone.
5. When Alexander Bell invented the telephone he had 3 missed calls from Chuck Norris
6. There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.
7. Chuck Norris died 20 years ago, Death just hasn’t built up the courage to tell him yet.
8. Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that’s why there are no signs of life.
9. Some magicians can walk on water, Chuck Norris can swim through land.
10. Once a cop pulled over Chuck Norris….the cop was lucky to leave with a warning.
11. Chuck Norris and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing his underwear on the outside of his pants.
12. Chuck Norris can cut through a hot knife with butter
13. Chuck Norris once urinated in a semi truck’s gas tank as a joke….that truck is now known as Optimus Prime.
14. Chuck Norris counted to infinity – twice.
15. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
16. Death once had a near-Chuck Norris experience
17. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
18. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
19. Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
20. Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn’t nearly foolish enough to attack him.
21. Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are known today as Giraffes.
22. Chuck Norris once got bit by a rattle snake…….. After three days of pain and agony ………………the rattle snake died
23. Chuck Norris was in all the Star Wars movies, he played the force.
24. Chuck Norris completed a 500 piece puzzle with 300 pieces.
25. Life insurance premiums are based on how far you live from Chuck Norris.
26. When the president pushes the big red button Chuck Norris’s cell phone rings
27. When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital
28. The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris.
29. Chuck Norris hears sign language
30. Chuck Norris is the only man to punch a cyclops between the eyes
31. When Chuck Norris rides into the sunset, the sun is actually running from him.
32. Chuck Norris does not need Twitter…he is already following you.
33. Chuck Norris can watch an episode of 60 Minutes in a half-hour.
34. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
35. The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he made a mistake
36. Chuck Norris was born in a log cabin, that he built with his own hands.
37. There is no backspace button on Chuck Norris’ keyboard. Chuck Norris never makes mistakes.
38. When Chuck Norris falls into a puddle of water he doesn’t get wet, the water gets Chuck Norris. This is a lie, we know Chuck Norris doesn’t fall..ever
39. Chuck Norris once shot someone with a knife.
40. There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
41. Chuck Norris can sit in the corner of a circular room
42. Chuck Norris won American Idol using only sign language
43. Chuck Norris won the World Series of Poker using Pokemon card
44. Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
45. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
46. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
47. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
48. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
49. Chuck Norris knows where Carmen Sandiego is.
50. Rudolph has a red nose because he got lippy and Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him across the face
51. China was once bordering the United States, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it all the way through the Earth.
52. Chuck Norris once broke the land speed record on a bicycle that was missing its chain and the back tire.
53. There is no such thing as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.

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